It’s the last day of 2012 and I’m about to get real…real real people….
I stopped blogging because somewhere I lost my voice. I lost the reason why I was doing this. I blogged to blog not because it was of value to myself. I compared what I was doing to everyone around me. I lost myself in thinking I had to post about every run/workout that was of significance and not the day-to-day issues that come along. I felt to be relevant I had to ‘keep up’ with those blogs that ‘everyone’ reads. I felt an oddly enormous pressure to be as good of a runner/blogger/athlete as everyone else who was blogging in a similar genre. I began to feel like I wasn’t good enough, yup I allowed complete strangers on the internet to make me feel lost (hard to admit given my self-esteem is not something I’ve ever really struggled with). Well…
I’m not them and that’s okay.
I’ve taken the last few weeks to think about if this is something I wanted to continue or if it’s just something that isn’t good for my mental well-being. The truth is, I want to do this but on my own terms. I want to remain me and stop absorbing so much of everyone around me.
I’m at a unique place that I feel is under represented. I just turned 30 (woah), I work full-time, I’m not a beginner athlete or even a beginning runner, I’ve never been over weight but I’m carrying an extra 10 lbs. I wish I wasn’t (go ahead and cast stones I’m still a thin girl and we have our issues too), and I’m not running crazy amounts of races nor am I crushing world records/personal records…I’m somewhere in between it all and I think few speak from this place. I’m also coming off a weird year filled with injury and professional and personal let downs. I’m finally learning what it means to keep an open heart and mind. To be comfortable and feel safe in my own skin.
2013 is going to be the year of me and just me. Less taking care of everyone else and more focusing on myself. Finally truly opening my heart and embracing everything that is me….